Chelsea’s rejuvenation under former midfielder, now temporary Abramovich plaything, Roberto Di Matteo has been quite the story. There has been improvement in the league (they even beat current form team Wigan!!), an FA Cup semi-final demolition of sorry Spurs thanks to Juan Mata hitting the back of the net and progression to the Champions League semi-finals; Chelsea are on a roll. Big time. However, they have just hit a snag. They, very sillily, have been drawn against Barcelona. Whimper.

But wait! Chelsea are in great form I hear you say. They even beat Napoli and Diddy Drogba is red-hot and Fernando even scored at one point. Plus, the Blues have Roberto ‘mastermind’ Di Matteo, I scored the quickest ever goal in an FA Cup final, at the helm. Branislav ‘Rocky’ Ivanovic can play, and David Luiz is injured – what more could the Stamford Bridge club ask for?

Plus! Don’t forget that Chelsea almost beat Barcelona back in 2009. They drew 0-0 at the Camp Nou and were a west London whisker of making the final only for Andres Iniesta and the referee to conspire to steal the glory of losing to Manchester United in the final away from them.

Also! Former West Brom boss Robbie Di Mat has a masterplan. So you like to play tic-tac football eh? Pass the ball to each other 1000 times in a game eh? Got Xavi and Iniesta eh? And Fabregas, shit I forgot about him! Doesn’t matter – Chelski have a plan. Crowd the midfield. It’s devilish.

An inside source from the Blues has let me know that Roman Abramovich has instructed Robby DM to crowd the midfield or face 1000 lashes. So, the Blues are going to play a six-man central midfield to stop the constant, soul-destroying passing of Pep Gorgonzola’s showponies. Ramires, Mikel, Oriol Romeu (ex-Barcelona don’t you know?), Lampard, John Terry and Dennis Wise are all going to play in the middle of the pitch and run around kicking people up in the air; pass around that!!!

You are starting to get a bit more confident aren’t you? The plan, it could work; it might work. Ah, just wait. What about Lionel Messi?

Single John Terry Champions League final 2008 tear runs down the face.

Messi was pretty good back when Chelsea last played the ticcy-tackers, now he is, well, sub human. He has scored 60 goals this season. 60. All by himself. He is the new Barcelona all-time top goalscorer at the mere age of 24; that makes him better than Ronaldinho, Rivaldo and Mark Hughes all put together. Rumours are rife that Messi is about to form a one-man Harlem Globetrotters football team of just him to play a World XI, but no-one wants to play in the World XI cos they’re all too scared.

Messi is unstoppable. We have Jose Bosingwa and Paulo Ferreira in our team, it’s not fair. At least Chelsea will win the midfield battle though.

Published – Danger Here


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